From the Hope Farm - Entries from February 2010

I have been seeking to disengage the automatic thought patterns that seem to cloud my view Jesus.

I mean, very simply: sometimes when I try to focus on Him, I am inundated with thoughts about what people think about me - whether they approve or are pleased.

As a co-worship leader, worship leader, singer, & songwriter I find that there is a constant battle to be fought and won in order for effective worship to take place.  This battle consists of judging the success of the “worship session” by the comments or feedback of others. Simply put, we are constantly battling Satan’s attempts to get us focused on others opinions.

Have you ever led worship, or participated in a worship set in some capacity & felt that God really showed up - the worship was incredible - only to find that the feedback was not what you expected? Or how about the times you feel things did not go so well and yet find yourself amazed at how others respond?

There are always those special people whose opinions are weighted much heavier in mind – we all have them. I am saddened at how much mental energy and time I have spent wondering what it would take to get this person or that person’s approval. God is wooing my heart with these words, “I want my opinion of you to be the most important in your mind.”

Take, for instance, this past Sunday leading worship with Shannon: in lieu of the sweet times I had been having with Jesus, and the unity Shannon and I were experiencing in our marriage lately, I was particularly excited about this time of worship together. I prayed fervently for God to use me as a vessel, to glorify Himself through me, and to create in me a clean heart. Well, the last thing he is definitely doing.

Well, wouldn’t you know that most everyone whose opinion was of high value in my mind was in the first service. Shannon decided to drop a song at the last minute, and whispered it around the stage, but – unfortunately - I was far away and never got the notice. I started playing the song planned, then realized I was wrong, jumping into the planned song (which I knew very well). But the nervousness caused by being caught off guard, combined with my concerns of other’s opinions, threw me off: I stumbled through the song - not playing it nearly as well as I could have. Yes, this is the gentle way of saying that I made some mistakes. Shannon – knowing that I knew the song well - was quite frustrated and asked what in the world happened.

I sat quietly backstage in between service ands I said “God, what happened? Shannon and I have been so in sync lately but clearly we were not on the same page on STAGE in front of a lot of people and people whose opinions really MATTER to me.”

The thought came over me: “Cyle… ask me whether I was pleased with your worship - ask me whether you ministered to my heart.” My first thought, “How could you be pleased?” “Just ask me”, He said.  I silenced my anxious thoughts and I did just that. I was amazed at the response. Jesus began to talk to me about the condition of my heart. He told me what was pleasing to him. He showed me where my motives were off. He quietly reminded me that I had exalted certain people’s opinions and that He was doing a work in me, purifying my motives. I was humbled. I walked into the second service with an abandon that was so sweet. I had already made a screw up and had nothing to prove to anyone anymore. Of course everything went well, but – of course – the folk’s whose opinions I was interested in – they weren’t in that service.  So I had to resolve that they would probably remember this Sunday as the Sunday I made a mistake, but the Lord said, “That’s Okay.  Do you think – as long as someone’s opinion is an idol in your life – that I will allow you an opportunity to puff yourself up with a good performance before them ?” 

“ ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9

God is jealous after my heart – He wants the only thing that ultimately matters when I am worshipping to be HIM.

Life is grand with two imaginative superheroes! These two super men are the greatest arrows cupid has sent my way… they melt my heart daily.

A lil bit bout Baby Boy:

Every time Tucker says "no, no, no!" I am aware that he is not our baby anymore, and my heart melts everytime he says “yes, maa”. The latter statement only comes when I say things like- "Hey Tuck- do you want some ice cream?" Or "Do you like that new puzzle?" Otherwise, it is "No, no, no!" - constantly.

Sometimes I feel as though there is a parrot at our house - Tucker mimicks everything.

He wants to potty-train. I think the window that the experts talk about is upon us. I’d rather wait for the door, personally.

Tucker is so beautiful and often when I see him in the morning, feel I could eat him up. I often can’t believe he is my child.

He has a brute strength of will that will take him far in life.

If I had to tell you Tucker's love language I would guess quality time. (taking after his mother on this one). If he is awake and not eating he is ALWAYS dragging anyone that seems remotely interested to a quiet, spot away from people to play with just him. He takes you to the closet, tells you to unlock it, shows you the puzzle he wants, take you to the table, tell you what chair to sit in and then put your hand on the puzzle. Any person that walks in our house is a likely target to be Tucker’s personal playmate.

He is hilarious, AlWAYS evoking laugher from us. Yesterday I found him here.

                                        He is such a joy to my heart!

A 'lil bit bout Big Boy:

Kenimer is overjoyed to see people he loves. He is always thinking and talking about people that are important to him.

He is very attached to me right now - he never wants me to leave and when I leave and return he often says “Mommy, I was worried about you." The statement that almost always follows melts my heart: "I just very, very want you.” He often tells me I am beautiful, and cool.

He has a knack for making people feel welcome. 

Some regular Kenimer-isms are (when first waking up): "I missed you, I am so glad to see you"; "Wow, this is great!"; "Hey, the sun is up, its time to get up now!"

His daddy asked him to record a verse on one of my songs which is on our forthcoming c.d. - an experience that was very special to him. After Tucky was in bed he got to come into the studio, the  mic was lowered, and he had his first recording experience ever. When he heard it playback, he did a happy dance and jumped in Shannon's lap and said "I love you Daddy!" Apparently, he felt really important.

Last Sunday he went to Kid jam (which he is not actually old enough for, but...) - one of his "big girl" (a highschooler) friends took him. I was later told that he solicited himself to play the part of David on stage, and had the room in stitches. Apparently he really hammed it up and was a real hit with his four year old acting in a program that is for 6 year olds and up. 

I was'nt surprised a bit when Shannon heard the stories at the church on Monday morning. Ttat was just like my Kenimer to steal the show. He loves the stage... especially if he is on it!

He recently demonstrated some compassion that greatly moved me- regarding the bike. My first born is too precious for words!

My heart is full of love for my two supermen-boys!

Today- in lieu of wellness, [a nugget of truth on health and well-being].

This week has been particularly fun……

Fun is important… or the "ness" of the word. How much fun-ness have you had this week?

{Playing}"Is it in your vocabulary  ?"

Madeleine L’ Engle says:

"One of the greatest weapons of all is laughter, a gift for fun, a sense of play which is sadly missing from  the grown-up world."

We are designing- fashioning-outfitting- our album cover. This has led me to search goodwills, antique shops, yard sales, and any other rummage atmosphere. I am also not limited to digging under my bed and making various calls to good  friends-petitioning to borrow such items as feathers, 1920’s hat, aprons, suspenders, and overalls. These are just a few items I have gathered as props.  NOTE: these are merely ideas My possibility pool really feels like a storm. A tangled mess of inspirations that have to be sorted through.

Yesterday I walked into goodwill and spotted this glorious hat.

It matched my outfit perfectly. I put it on, instantly I felt stunning and had that extra spring in my step. I bought the hat and wore it for the rest of the shopping excursion. Later at TG Maxx, I was stopped by a women. She said, “I love the way your dressed, I imagine you had fun putting that outfit together. Is’nt it fun being a girl.”?

There is the word… two times. {Fun}. I was overjoyed that my outfit said  {fun}  to someone. Another stranger stopped me later emphatically stating they liked my outfit

.Oh - and then there was the man in Ross who said sarcastically to his wife… “Hey, you should get a hat like that”… she wrinkled her face in disgust.

Hey, that’s cool. I’ve been realizing that as I am free to REALLY be who I am- not everyone will like it. Im getting cool with that.

Getting-being the operative word. It’s a journey people.

I had a photographic artist friend who happens to be a fashion genius. She came over to have a stylist session with me. It was crazy fun. I say crazy, cause I actually felt a twinge of guilt- it just seemed like too much fun to be having on a Monday afternoon as the mother of two. We laughed and giggled in my room while trying various outfits I had pieced together and then modeling said outfits for Shannon.  We curled my hair (like the 50’s) tried on different dresses with different aprons, red high heels, various  hats. Antique props.

I’m having fun.

Buying overalls for Shannon at Wal-mart (which are hot - by the way). Putting on red lipstick. Trying on “housewife dresses”.

Being days away from finishing a long awaited project.

There was a time I felt the need to always be in a hurry, rushing and working hard. Fun- it was not something I allowed too often.

Pshaw- with that stinkin stinkin- experiencing fun and play is essential for my well- being.

I am sending a shout out to all the grown ups in the house…… have a sense of play, ask Daddy God for a gift of fun .

I leave you with some more words from the beloved Madeleine L’ Engle:   "Laughter breaks down wall." (CIRCLE OF QUIET, Crosswick Journal v. 1)

And a phrase from the Proverbs ( 17:22)

Laughter doeth good like medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones

If laughter is a weapon let’s use it~

I dare to say- Life is fun (this week, at least)!